It's been a long time since I've written anything, maybe just a mere caption on facebook, and maybe little scraps of thoughts here and there.
I love to write. Writing is my way of escaping reality, it's my way of arranging my thoughts and making sense of them because half of the time I feel like I've gone insane.
Especially when most of the time that I'm alone, and I have absolutely no one to turn to, and then I talk to myself, and it feels like I've lost grip on what's really important.
When I decided to enter this university, I really thought I could change the world. I would make tons of friends because I am outgoing by nature and then my oral skills will soar through the roof and I will make a significant change in my life. I decided to be more independent of people and more dependent on Allah.
I sometimes have these bursts of energy where I want to do everything at the same time, I want to do my homework, exercise, eat right, sleep early, do assignments, research, memorize the Quran, teach kids, teach people, travel, meet new friends, meet teachers, and then this burst of energy dies and I sit there in my room, and I don't do anything.
That sucks.
And when I look back, I see that they are all in my head. I draw these perfect pictures of myself in my head, of what I want to be when I grow up, the things I'm going to do, the people I'm going to meet, the significance of my being and the ways that I'll change the world.
and then that picture fades horribly into a grey dull because like paint, if you mix all the colors together, you'll eventually get a horrible, unattractive shade of either brown or grey.
and then I realize, I have so much lacking inside of me, that I can't possibly change the world when I haven't changed myself.
I swirl into depression, and mask it with a smile.
Round of applause, I should win an Oscar
